New dress. Feeling Purdy.
Golden Gate Bridge over troubled waters. (at Golden Gate Bridge)
My boyfriend was joking when he first suggested we get a pet frog. But then I told him I would name it Ribbert. It suddenly became a real suggestion.
This is the one time of year that I love wasps.
Not because the wasps themselves get any nicer. They’re horrid little creatures year round. No, it’s because I have a couple of big apple trees out back, and late August, early September is when the apples start ripening.
Now, if you don’t harvest your own fruit, there are two things you need to know about apples.
The first thing you need to know about apples is that, when apples get ripe, they tend to fall from the tree at the slightest breeze.
I often work late at the office; by the time I get home, there are piles of apples scattered everywhere - and sure enough, the wasps are out in force, gorging themselves on the fruit. When I go to clean up the windfallen apples, the wasps naturally do the “rawr, I’ma fuck you up!” routine for which wasps are known.
The second thing you need to know about apples is that they ferment very rapidly in the late August heat.
So: the wasps try to come at me, but they’re too drunk to fly. They get about an inch off the ground, then faceplant directly into the turf, flip over onto their backs, and lay there, legs twitching in the air as they try in vain to find something to sting.
Perhaps I’m a man of simple pleasures, but I bust up laughing every. single. time.
So stop working at mcdonalds and do something with your life.
Sure! I’ll just reach into my ass and pull out a job! Or, how about I go down to jobland, where jobs grow on jobbies!
Strap on your job helmet and get in the job cannon
…if everyone “stopped working at mcdonalds and did something with their life”, you do realize the entire fast food industry would collapse, right? And if we extend that premise out to other low-wage/low-prestige jobs, society itself would pretty much grind to a halt.
You love to talk shit about retail and food service workers, but who makes your burger and sells you your clothes? Go ahead. Try doing without any labor from someone employed in a low-wage/low-prestige service industry job for a few days. I’ll wait. Good luck.
NEW RULE: If you think working minimum wage jobs is “not doing something with your life” and you look down on the people working those jobs, you’re not allowed to patronize those jobs ANYMORE. No fast food for you! No retail, no coffee shops!
No theaters and no amusement parks either!
Say goodbye to your morning cup of coffee bitches
No places that require the use of a janitorial staff.
That means no school, no public shopping place of any kind, no universities, no airports or train or bus stations.
You can’t call 911 because the operator makes minimum wage. Also sucks to be you if you’re drowning because life guards are minimum wage workers too.
You’re only given a little spark of madness. You mustn’t lose it.
The number for the National Suicide Prevention Hotline is 1-800-273-8255.
why ed sheeran is a lyrical genius
ed: it's alright to die cause death is the only thing you haven't tried but just for tonight hold on
ed: when my hair's all but gone and my memory fades and the crowds don't remember my name when my hands don't play the same strings the same way i know you will still love me the same
ed: i don't get waves of missing you anymore they're more like tsunami tides in my eyes
ed: you can fit me inside the necklace you got when you were sixteen next to your heartbeat where i should be keep it deep within your soul
ed: THEY SAY IM UP AND COMIN LIKE IM FUCKIN IN AN ELEVATOR